It's been 4 months and 11 days we've been without our little Garrett. Some days are easier than others. On a day like today, when everyone is remembering people they have lost, it's a little harder. He's been on my mind a lot today and I am finding little reminders of him everywhere.

Today we rode home in the shuttle from Superstition Springs Toyota with the same driver that drove Garrett and I. I remember him being SO excited to ride in the bright red van with the cool horns on the front.

I opened a little notebook this morning to make a list of things to do and found a page he had illustrated-I drew a Christmas tree for him and he drew the decorations.

We made his favorite for breakfast this morning-pancakes. It seems they don't get eaten as fast now as they use to. Garrett LOVED pancakes. He would eat them for every meal if I let him and "a pancake in my hand" for a snack.

I put away a puzzle Adam and Dallin put together a couple of days ago. It was a puzzle Garrett got for Christmas. He was a game kid. He always wanted me to play a game with him or "make somened" (his way of talking was very unique).

I drove by Banner Desert hospital yesterday and found a lump in my throat. Hospitals aren't scary to me, they just bring back really hard memories. While watching a silly show one night I completely fell apart because one of the characters was in the hospital. It seemed so ridiculous that it would effect me so strongly.

It's strange how a perfectly normal activity will make me sad. Not as horribly miserable as I use to feel, but just sad. That knot in my stomach has loosened a little.

It seems that when I'm doing okay or going about my normal activities, the ache builds a little and at the most inopportune times it becomes uncontrollable. Like when riding home in a shuttle from the car fix-it place. I owe the driver an explanation...

Today is Garrett's birthday. He would have been 5 years old today. We had a bit of a 'party' last night. It felt like it should have been his birthday party. He would have loved it!

Dallin and I have been looking through photo albums this morning and we found the story of when he was born. Dallin had never read it and we had a good time talking about Garrett this morning. I don't have any digital pictures of Medim-G when he was born. I'll have to scan a few and post them when I get the chance.

August 2000:

It seems, Garrett, you are already following in the footsteps of your older brother. That's okay-he will be a good example to you, but don't you think you are taking this a little too far?

Dallin was born two weeks early, so naturally I thought babies should be born during their 38^th week. So when we got to that week I was ready for you to be born. You room was ready, complete with painted walls, a mobile, changing table, diapers, clothes and toys. One night I was awakened by contractions and was ready to rush off to the hospital, but I fell back to sleep-you weren't ready to come. Ironically I hadn't packed a bag for the hospital. I thought of it as a kind of jinx. If I packed a bag, you would be two weeks late! August 2st I had an appointment with my doctor. He said you weren't ready to come and for me to get comfortable. I was a little relieved, we had a Jones Family reunion planned for Labor Day weekend at the Flake Ranch and I wanted to go. The following week (Thursday before the reunion) I had another appointment and Dr. Tutt said it should be fine for me to go to the reunion (2 ½ hours away). Besides, he said, he was headed to the mountains as well and wouldn't be around.

Saturday morning, August 30^th we picked up Adam's mom at the airport and headed to the ranch. It was a nice drive getting to visit with Linda all the way there. We got there about 2:30 pm and found a large group of Joneses. My parents came from Wyoming and all of Grandpa's children were there including Ellen who braved the terrible drive to be with everyone. We had a great day visiting. Dallin enjoyed playing with his cousins in the dirt, and he was the star of the show playing softball with all the uncles. After dinner that night we all sat around the campfire singing songs and telling stories and having a great time. It had been a long day and I was tired, so we headed to bed. We were lucky enough to be in one of the cabins and slept in a nice bed. About 1am Dallin, sleeping on the floor next to us, stirred in his sleep and I got up to comfort him then rushed to the bathroom as my water broke! Nothing could have awakened Adam faster than the words “Psst, hey, I think my water broke!” We rushed around gathering our things, packing them in the car and we headed down the mountain.

My experience having Dallin was similar. My water broke early and I didn't go into labor. “Here we go again” I thought as we drove down the mountain. It was a little comforting this time knowing what would likely happen. And in keeping with tradition you were 9 days early! YIPEEEE!

Adam drove as fast as he thought he could in the dark watching out for elk and deer along the way and I nudged him every time I had a contraction. One of my greatest fears was having to pull over and deliver a baby half way between Heber and Mesa! But, my contractions weren't getting any stronger or closer together. On the way to the hospital we stopped at our house to drop off Dallin and Linda and pack a bag. Adam even took a shower not wanting to smell like a campfire for the rest of the day. We arrived at the hospital about 4:30 am and checked in.

4:30am Arrived at the hospital, checked in and sat around waiting for my contractions to get closer together. I was attached to a fetal monitor and then given an I.V. The nurse was afraid the baby was under stress from dehydration, so she wanted to make sure I had enough fluids. So, for the second tie, I was strapped to a bed and not able to get up and walk around.

6:30 am No change in contractions, so I was given an I.V. with pitocin to speed things along.

8:30 am Things started to move along and I was feeling very uncomfortable. Luckily, I had Adam to encourage me and talk to me. He did a great job making me feel better.

10:30 am Things were moving faster (at least I thought so), but the nurse seemed unconcerned expecting this to last a while. We had explained that with Dallin things progressed quickly, but she seemed hesitant to call the doctor on call. (Dr. Tutt was out of town, but the doctor on call was Dr. McNeal. We met her earlier in the day when she was in helping deliver another baby.)

11:00 am The nurse finally called the doctor and told me and told me not to push, but to just breathe until the doctor arrived! You've got to be kidding me! Not an experience I will forget for a while.

11:25 am The doctor finally arrives, calmly says “Let's see how far along you are” then quickly changes her tune when she realizes she had better hurry up and put something over her clothing before little Garrett crashes to the floor. Two pushes and a squirming redhead was welcomed into the world.

11:30 am Garrett Wayne Russell was born weighing 7lbs 2oz. And measuring 19 ¾ in. long. We hadn't picked out the name we liked yet, and had a few we were considering, but just couldn't make the decision. Upon seeing Garrett, the nurse commented on what seemed to be very red hair and asked what we were going to name him. Adam looked at me and said “We like the name Garrett”. Horrified the nurse looked back at him and asked “Carrots?” and the name stuck. Garrett it is!

The hospital stay was uneventful. You were a good eater right from the start (once we woke you up) and have been very patient with mom, dad and older brother while we get use to having a new person in our home. You are a special little spirit, with strawberry-blond hair, a cute nose, full lips and a serene personality. We sure do love you!

Happy Birthday little Garrett-we miss you!

We are LOVED

There aren't enough words to say how grateful we are for our Ward Family. During the last few months we have been the recipients of countless acts of kindness. I honestly don't think there has been a day when we haven't had someone leave a kind message or do a kind act of service for us. It makes some really hard days bearable.

There are those who have helped us physically by caring for our home and ourselves (like mowing our lawn, fixing our sprinklers, bringing us food, taking out our trash...)when we couldn't really think of doing that ourselves. Others cared for our children when we weren't in the right mind to do that either. Many cared for our spirits as they brought books and words and stories of comfort. We have felt the prayers of many as we've found the strength to get out of bed and live. We've had monetary gifts that have humbled us and been such a blessing, and arms to hold us up when we couldn't stand on our own any longer.

Some small things that were (and still are) especially helpful:
Notes
Knowing looks and a big hug
Specific questions about how we are feeling-just asking “How are you doing?” is difficult to answer
Patience with our wildly fluctuating emotions
Remembering Garrett with us by sharing stories about him


There are so many, many people we feel a deep gratitude towards. We are at a loss to know how to repay such kindness and love. Reading one of the books that was given to us titled The Gateway We Call Death by Russell M. Nelson he explains that one of the reasons we experience pain and loss is so that we can be empathetic to those around us and use our newfound sensitivity to serve and support others. In essence we learn to “pay it forward” and pass along the service we have been shown by serving others.

We have taken that to heart and pray we are sensitive to those around us and serve unselfishly as we have been served.

Thank you, Ward Family, we love you and feel your love.

First Day of School

This was Garrett's first day of school last year. He sure did love school. He loved riding the bus, seeing his teacher, meeting new friends, singing songs, and doing projects. I'm sure he would have loved school again this year. He often talked about wanting to walk to school with his big brother Dallin.

His good friend Mitchell started school yesterday and was a little anxious about going. I wish Garrett were here to go with him. They were such good friends, I think it would have made it easier on Mitchell if Garrett were in his class with him and walking with him to school.

We were so glad to have the headstone in place in time for us to see it during our vacation in Wyoming. The company went out of their way to get it set for us to see.

The Grover cemetery where Garrett is buried (it is still hard to believe) is not far from my sister's home. You can see it from her house and most mornings we would walk up the hill behind the cemetery and back for exercise.


Love this picture.


The woolf kids, Fullmer kids, and Russell Kids


Our flake cousins also came to visit in Wyoming and we all went to the cemetery.

How is Dallin doing?

I get that question a lot. Mostly he is doing well. He has sad times where he will come and sit on my lap and just be quiet for a while. Most of the time he looks for kids to play with to distract himself. He misses his little shadow that followed him everywhere! He use to have a built-in playmate and he misses that constant companionship. Lately he has been a little more dramatic than usual (and that's saying a lot) the melt-downs happen more often and are more intense. But overall he's doing really well.

He didn't want to sleep in his room alone for a long time, but we've had friends staying with us so it hasn't been much of an issue. He doesn't like to take baths anymore because he has to do it alone, so he takes showers instead. Adam is trying extra hard to give him more attention and he is starting to abuse it a little stretching his bed time for just another few minutes, and "just one more story dad", and on and on.

Every once in a while I overhear him talking to friends about what Garrett use to do and how he acted. Just the other day while riding home from our reunion we brought my little cousin Rebecca with us. Dallin told her several times about how Garrett use to say something and how they use to play together. He seemed very matter-of-fact about it.

Today I decided to make banana bread (a tough chore without my little buddy to help me-Garrett was the chef in our family) and asked Dallin to help. While we were doing it we started talking about Garrett. I asked him if he was sad and missed Garrett and he said yes. I told him that I missed Garrett too and sometimes that made me sad, but it was fun to remember the things Garrett use to do. So, we started remembering things about Garrett.

He loved to sing songs-any songs and many times with the wrong words like "Transformers, robots in the skies" (it's suppose to be DISGUISE).

Dallin and Garrett would always do the McDonald theme when they saw the golden arches-you know:"duh duh duh duh duh, I'm lovin' it!" They also did the funny song from Sesame Street (let's see if I can do this) "ma-na-ma-na, do-do-ba-do-ba, ma-na-ma-na, do-do-ba-do! " Then they would use the same melody and put in funny words like "banana bread, do-do-ba-do-ba, banana bread, do-do-ba-do!"

Dalllin misses doing many things with him like: Battling in the tub with cars and boats, 2 person computer games where the guys would fight, Garrett hanging on Dallin's back, Garrett following him around, and Garrett playing with Maura.

Funny things we remembered about Garrett: One day while walking home from the Woolf's house he picked up a pine cone from under the tree and said "Mom, look a pineapple!". He always said "Oh my freatin' dosh!" (oh my freaking gosh) and "Oh my het" (oh my heck)j

Foods Dalllin remembers Garrett loved to eat: Strawberries, pancakes, Oatmeal breakfast cookies, bananas, and beans

We will miss that cute little guy, but we sure do have some terrific memories!

The Phillip Russell Family

I finally found someone who has these pictures! I've been searching for pictures of Adam's family from the funeral and couldn't find any-thanks Sarah!

This is the first time in a couple of years Adam and his siblings have been together. We are missing Maura (she was asleep on someone's shoulder) and Jason's wife Bobby Joy (BJ) and their 5 1/2 kids.


Adam, Sarah, and Jason


Adam, Sarah and Jason about 30 years ago!

Dallin's hair looks just like Adam's in this picture!